someone gets hurt.
Most women know it, and I think I know it FAR too well. That moment when a man shuts down on you, when all communication stops, when the door he usually leaves open just for you is slammed in your face.
It doesn’t matter why. And it doesn’t matter how. At this moment there is no logic to be had, repercussions mean nothing, and there isn’t anything that can be done.
Like a dog in a cage – he’s backed up against a corner and it doesn’t matter if you’re trying to help him or harm him – he is going to sure as Hell bite you. Afterward he may or may not realize that in his frustration he’s mangled his only ally, he may or may not be sentenced to death for his rash over reaction, and he may or may not give a shit.
But she will - give a shit that is.
My mother says “The one who cares the most hurts the most” and she’s right. Moral of the story – become a masochist or stop caring. For women, rather for women like me, the first choice is really the only viable option.
But I want to change. I’ve been trying to change.
And I have been doing a pretty good job of it - until last night. I don’t put myself into situations to get that door slammed in my face anymore or that jaw clamped down on my arm or that big knife through the heart – because I really don’t deserve it.
It doesn’t matter who - family, friend, lover - I’ve retired.
You wanted my help and I gave it. You wanted my time, my attention, my love, my body, my heart, my mind and I’ve given it – all of it - freely, unconditionally and with very little demand for reciprocity.
I’ve been struggling with understanding the New Testament, the Christ story in particular. Why was he so forsaken? Why did Jesus have no backing at the time of his death?
Because just like the dog in the corner and just like every man I’ve ever loved, the world would rather attack than resolve. They would rather forsake than embrace. They would rather there be problems than solutions.
All of us so ungrateful - myself included.
AnnMoreno 